Leadership & Performance

The importance of story

The psychology of your leadership style & performance

People do not have problems, they have defences they needed to survive the defensive behaviour of another. The defence you show today, is the past re-enacted in the present. We use our defences to protect us, until we no longer need them. As a child, we were all dependent on the adults in our lives who had their own emotional baggage. There is no blame here as every parent does their best, does their best with what they got themselves and with where they are at in themselves.

Leadership & Performance come from a strong sense of self

Every child feels lovable and capable and has a strong self-worth. The interaction of the parent if it does not mirror the child’s lovability and capability means the child has to hide aspects of him/her until it is safe to show again. A simple example can be: An aggressive parent means the child may develop Timidity/shyness and passivity to stay safe with the adult, where it’s not safe for the child to assert themselves to the parent, their defence and their behaviour makes perfect sense.

Child’s deepest need is to be loved for self, not for what they do

The self-worth however is like a diamond; it is indestructible and is always there, it just waits for the safety to re-emerge. The child is looking to be loved for self, but most parenting is conditional, as we confuse the child’s behaviour with their person. If only every parent said, ‘I love you, but that behaviour is not okay, the child’s self-esteem would remain intact. Instead parent /child interaction is more likely to be: Be good, be clever, be perfect, be quiet, do what I say, and when the child is not, the parent may become cross and the inner world of the child becomes threatened. The child develops defences to survive the defensive behaviour of the parent.

Defences of Parent/Child may be either

Many of us had the experience of having a parent for whom work/sport/alcohol was more important to them, than our presence. The impact on the self-worth of the child is devastating as their feeling is ‘Maybe I’m not good enough/lovable/acceptable’. Maybe now we can change limiting beliefs.

No change required – just to unfold

The challenge is simply to unfold to what was always there, your unique lovability and capability. To do this we need to mother ourselves in the way that we needed and may not have got. How do we do this? It’s a way of being with ourselves that is a move from being harsh with ourselves to being gentler with ourselves, to ease up on ourselves. To be compassionate and forgiving of ourselves, the development of a kinder way of relating to ourselves in all our daily interactions. The fathering of ourselves is to offer ourselves again what we may have needed and not got, to offer ourselves the backup, the support, the encouragement, to show belief in ourselves and in our capacity. To trust in ourselves, to believe in ourselves and to affirm our vast capability in our everyday lives.

Passive/Shy/Timid

Examples of this may be: if what came up for you to ‘I am passive’, to understand you may have needed this defence as a child to survive a parent whom you found threatening, however as an adult you can make new choices and take new actions. The challenge may be to assert yourself when you meet someone who does not treat you with worth and dignity, or if that is too difficult to limit your exposure to this person by taking an action for self and walking away or choosing not to see this person until you are strong enough to find your voice to assert yourself.

Carer: Did you have to hide your need for Care? Challenge is: Self Care

For the person who is a Carer, taking responsibility for too many people and too many things and with poor boundaries around their own time and neglecting themselves, the challenge is simply self-care. To balance time for self with time for others. When asked to do things to learn to say ‘Leave it with me, and I will check my schedule’. Instead of pleasing everyone except you, to drag yourself up from the bottom of your priority list. Do something to please yourself today, take time out for yourself, every time you say Yes to someone; too see you are saying No to yourself.

Perfectionist: Challenge is: Can you now see your own perfection?

For the Perfectionist to see where that defence came from. Often, the focus growing up was on the performance rather than the effort and the child felt seen for getting it ‘perfect. The child may think that is why they are loved, for their perfection rather than for themselves. What drives the perfectionist is fear of never being good enough. The challenge is to see your own perfection, that you were not an exam result, or a performance, but someone who needed to simply be loved for your unique and un repeatable presence and to do that for yourself now.

Controlling/Dominant/Aggressive: Challenge is: Self Control

This defence arises from fear and from a childhood experience where they felt rejected, abandoned, critised or put down and this person may call all the shots, makes all the decisions, controls everyone and everything. The purpose of the defence is to avoid a reoccurrence of the earlier painful experience. Their challenge is to learn Self Control when fear arises to stop, to take three deep breaths and to ask ‘What do I need to do now to support myself?’

Unemotional: Challenge is: Start tuning into how you feel & express your feelings& receive others feelings

‘I’ve no time for feelings’ Challenge: Reconnect the head with the heart and operate from both

Are you this person and where did that come from? Could it have been that there was no one there for me with time for my feelings when I was a small child? What was that like? A small child learns to repress their emotions when there is nowhere to go to with their upset, as there is no one there anyway, so they have no choice but to disconnect from how they feel. Many homes have a ban on emotional expression so children learn to suppress how they feel and embody feelings.

Step 1: Connect with the small child and stay with the feelings of what that was like. Do you feel sorry for that small child? Now, empathy is born, compassion is there for self and for others.

Step 2: Take time to ‘tune into’ how you feel, listen to yourself and to what is going on for you

Step 3: Express how you feel: Get into the habit of ‘I feel.. upset/overwhelmed/tired/let down and make a request around that  …’and I need’ and receive the other persons feeling by acknowledging how they feel: ‘Sounds like you’re angry about….’ and playing back to them what you are hearing.

You may have had to hide your feelings as a child, however as an adult, it is safe to express how you feel and to receive the other persons feelings. A habit of journaling is helpful to get in touch with how you feel and how others feel or simply taking time out to reflect.

Summary:

Stay Separate to the defensive behaviours of others as they belong to them and are about them. Only one person needs to change to create a shift and you cannot change anyone except yourself. Observe your response to other people’s behaviours and resolve not to personalise it and instead to take care of yourself in their behaviour.

What is there was no need to change?    By Oriah Mountain Dreamer

What is there is no need to change?

No need to transform yourself into someone more compassionate, more loving or wise?

What if the task is simply to unfold, to become who you already are in your essential nature

Gentle and compassionate and capable of living fully, let go and dance..